시랑해요~!^^ by SayApink2 & SweetiePie18   ONGOING-HIATUS-ONCONSTRUCTION 5 normal girls...5 different lives... They got the looks,talent and the personality.... But theyve never been in love.... But what happens when 5 other boys step into their lives and change fate...? Will they accept their love...? Main Characters :~Bae Suzy~-16 years old. Born on October 10,1998. Shes one of the most outstanding students in Eastville High. Half american-half korean. Wants to be a superstar. ~Son Naeun~-16 years old. Born on February 3,1998. Shes one of the most beautiful girls in Eastville High. Full Korean. Wants to be a model. ~Seo JooHyun~-16 years old. Born on June 26,1998. Shes one of the smartest students in Eastville High. Full Korean. Wants to be a smart teenager. ~Lee Ji-Eun~-15 years old. Born on May 16,1999. Shes one of the best singer students in Eastville High. Half Korean Half Japanese . Wants to be a solo singer. ~Choi Jinri/Choi Sulli~-15 years old. Born on March 29,1999. Shes one of the cutest students in Eastville High. Half Korean Half American. Wants to be a superstar,also. ~Ok Taecyeon~-18 years old. Born on December 27,1996. One of the hottest students in Eastville High. Wants to be a model. Full Korean but grew in America. ~Lee Taemin~-18 years old. Born on July 18,1996. One of the most handsome students in Eastville High. Wants to be a superstar. Full Korean ~Cho Kyuhyun~-18 years old. Born on February 3,1996. One of the most talented singers in Eastville High. Wants to be a solo singer. Full Korean ~Jang Wooyoung~-17 years old. Born on April 30,1997. One of the most talented dancers in Eastville High. Wants to be a superstar. Full Korean ~Choi Minho~ -17 years old. Born on December 9,1997. One of the best dancers in Eastville High. Wants to be a superstar. Full Korean Cameos/Extras:Bang Minah(Girls Day),can be seen in chapter 4Seolhyun(AOA),can be seen in chapter 5Bambam (GOT7),can be seen in Chapter 10OkCat(Created by Taecyeon),can be seen in chapter 11Its the stuff toy,ok? XD Lee Junho(2PM),can be seen in chapter 12Hoya(Infinite,special cameo since its his bday when I updated the chapter),can be seen in chapter 12Jackson Wang(GOT7,also a special bday cameo).can be seen in chapter 12Tiffany Hwang,can be seen in chapters 10,12,and more.and more in the next chapters...I wont reveal it ;) until it had featured in one of my chapters.       Authors Note:So Yeah like I started a new story lol! XDbtw,here are the pairings:TaecZy <3TaEun <3.SeoKyu <3WooU <3MinSul <3Hope you appreciate my story!   Foreword Special Thanks!   ►Special thanks to ❝ℰɴᴄʜᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ℘ᴏsᴛᴇʀsʜᴏᴘ❞; -pyromaniac- to be exact :) for the poster and background ^^Poster:Background:►And also ❛IceCream Graphics•╎, -LovingU to be exact, for the GIF poster ^^ Poster:►Also,ϟROCKSTAR GRAPHIC SHOP for the banner :D Banner: ►Special thanks to Chocolat Postershop for the background~Background: ►And,thank you 〈 대저택 ❝ PinkFinite Shop ❞for the poster and background :D Poster:Background:►Thanks «Like A Dream Graphic shop ft.Jung Eunji♥» for the poster and background!Poster: Background:   Reviews:Special thanks to the ones who reviewed my story :)►01) From 「 beauteous moons • graphic/review shoppe 」TITLE ( 8/10) It’s a title! And the smiley is cute. Good thing most readers learned Hangul or at least know how to write "I love you" in Korean. However, it is not a formal title so lost two points. (Its just two points, right?)  CHARACTERIZATION (10 /10 )     Characters are introduced and described clearly (in foreword too). Readers can easily identify the characters, their personality and the factors making them who they are. The story also simply shows who their partners will be. As a light story, its good that you introduced them first in a direct way, in my opinion.    SETTING ( 10/10)     Setting is stated clearly. A high school where the characters go to and where the conflict will develop. Also, the story describes the normality of a school as the character lives it.  CONFLICT ( 15/20)     Readers can guess what the conflict will be that involves the main characters and the boys. It is clear that the conflict will be about love. ORGANIZATION (15/20)     The style of the story is easy to read, but the informal way of writing. What’s good about is that the smileys, the thoughts, and the sound effects are not too distracting. Also the story is separated into lines which makes the readers read it. Let’s be honest, readers skip reading paragraphs because they’re too long. The story isnorganized where readers are not thrown off tracks and gets what is happening.  ILLUSTRATION ( 10/10)     I give illustration 10 out of 10 because the font type and size and how it is written relates to the liveliness of the story as it is a romantic comedy kind-of type.  CONVENTIONS ( 15/20)    There’s many grammar and spelling errors, but it doesn’t make the story less interesting nor it is distracting. It is light so readers can overlook it.  TOTAL : 83/100Overall, the story is a light one. Readers can enjoy its simplicity and the typicality of it.  Reviewed by: Crimson Twilight Review Shop AhriFinished 6/16/14Title: 3/5 Well, according to google translate, your title means "I love you," but its still not a good title cause its too general. I understand that your story is mainly about love but at least dont use the most common title for love stories. Even if it is in Korean, it still wont be unique. I mean, technically it is since its in another language, but the meaning is still the same.Speaking of another language, (Im not going to take points off) you shouldnt write your title in another language unless youre going to translate it in your foreword and build your foreword on that. For example, if you really want to use this title, then write "(title name) or in other words, "I love you." Three simple words, yet fives different girls have never heard another person speak it to them...etc" Its a great method for you to start a foreword.Now, heres the reason why I took another point off. You have "^^" after your title. Now, Im not Korean, but Im pretty sure that even REAL Korean books dont have that in the title because its an expression. It makes your title look messy. It makes your story look like a drabble or something thats not an actual story, like a blog.Foreword: 4/10 First of all, your foreword is not interesting at all. Its doesnt hook me in or make me think "I have to read this story." You can use the method I mentioned above in the Title section to make your foreword better.Lets start with the neatness of your foreword. Since this part is more of a personal preference, I will take no points off, but I have to point this out to you. Starting with your description, you dont need the status of your story to put there because I think the readers can tell if your story is complete or not. If you dont go on, then you can write hiatus or under construction but ONLY when you need to. Otherwise, you dont need to leave that in the foreword. Second, you dont need to repeat your title and the writers names at the top because we can see that already.Now, lets skip to your character list. Im not going to take points off, but your characters pictures are too big, and it takes a while to scroll down the page to read the whole foreword. Personally, I dont like changing the font color several times in the foreword, or story, but since this is only the foreword, I wont take anything off.Lets go back to the description, shall we? I mentioned this in the first paragraph, but you description lacks details, and its not interesting. First of all, all numbers in a story must be written out in word form, so "5" would be five. Second, you dont need that much space between each sentence. Third, your sentences dont do anything good to introduce your plot.You should never add questions like "Will they accept this or that" because you will answer that in the story. I used this example for another review, and Im going to use it again. In "Magic Hour" by Kristin Hannah, her description (the last sentence) is "The shocking facts of Alices life test the limits of Julias faith and strength, even as she struggles to make a home for Alice- and for herself." What do you notice? She doesnt use any questions to introduce her story and pique the readers interest. Next, she uses a hyphen to emphasize her last sentence and show how the story is not just all about Alice, but Julias a focal character as well. See how well she can present her story without asking "Will this happen? Will that happen?"In other words, use more details to describe specifically what is it that the boys do to win the girls over. Of course, dont tell us the whole plot, but give a small outline of the beginning of their relationship with statements telling us where it COULD lead (not where it WILL). Remember, you can always change the ending, but not the beginning.As for your character list, never ever just give the names and pictures of them and then not say what their role in the story is. You tell us their information like youre reading off their passport or something to identify them, but you dont tell us their role in the story or how they could help the plot. What does Suzy do? Whats her story? Seeing as how you said that your characters are all different, they should have individual backgrounds. Tell us their backstories and what they could bring to the table instead of their age, ethnicity, and what school they go to. Dont include the secondary characters and what chapters they appear in because if youre going to do that, then you might as well tell us what your entire story is about. Just tell us about the main characters and leave it as that.Plot: 11/20 First of all, isnt this story set in Korea? Or is this in America? Because your characters are speaking in Korean most of the time, but the school name is "Eastville High" which is a foreign name the last time I checked.The most jarring part of your story is the lack of a plot. What is this about? Five girls meeting five guys? What happens after they meet? Do they hold hands and skip off into the sunset? Not only is your plot cliché, it lacks development. You spend six chapters introducing each character, and you barely include events that can make your story more interesting. I feel like Im reading a blog the entire time. I dont even know what the story is about. Its about love; thats as far as I can get. Start the story by introducing all of the characters and their backgrounds in the first two chapters instead of separating them and having them meet the guys they are paired with in six different chapters because this makes it so obvious what the path of your story is. You have to give the readers an element of surprise, but you dont do this because you make everything so obvious, so unrealistically put together that its just cliché with nothing to hold the plot together. In fact, you can just end the story at chapter six with the way youre going with your story.I honestly dont really have a BIG problem with cliché OUTLINES, as long as its not the entire story, and if you develop it well, but you dont. You focus too much on character that we dont know anything about the setting or plot.You can change this by describing each scene with more details and adding in more action instead of focusing on dialogue only. Establish the main conflict while introducing your characters! After you show us what the conflict is, then you have yourself a solid plot, and you can start building on it.Characters: 10/20 Never ever introduce your character like shes writing in a diary. For Suzy, we dont need to know her birthday. We just need to know how shes going to introduce us to the STORY not her birthday or whatever.For Sulli, she seems like a complete mary-sue and to be honest, so do the rest of your female characters. Sulli  introduces herself as "one of the cutest girls according to everyone" so either shes meant to be conceited or this is another case of mary-sue-ness. I dont know much about Koreas culture, but Im pretty sure Choi is a common last name, so even if Sulli and Minho have the same last name, the whole class cant automatically assume that they are related. Thats like saying that every Kim is related, and thats saying a lot.For Naeun, shes conceited as well. Either this is your way of showing your characters different personalities or this is another case of a self-insert, I dont know what to say. If she is meant to be conceited, then good job. If this is a self-insert, then you have to change it.Even though you show your characters in different situations, they all act the same. No matter what their backgounds are, their personalities are the same. It just that they are paired with different guys. This is a REAL case of self-insertion. Its a common mistake made by even real authors (Stephanie Meyerss Bella Swan is a self-insertion). Her books are well-written, but her characters are lacking. In your case, you have a lot of pairings that you love, but you want to put them together in one story, so you decided to try to work with five back-stories. I understand what youre doing because I used to do that all the time. There was a time in my life where I was obsessed with Super Generation, and I would write fanfiction with all nine pairings, so my stories were really cliché, and everyone became mary-sues. My advice for you is to make an outline of what each characters personality is and when you write in that characters POV, think in her shoes. What will you do in her place? How would you act? If shes cold and conceited, how would she act?Basically, you have to make them each unique, if youre going to use so many characters.Grammar and Spelling: 16/20 You dont have a lot of spelling mistakes, just a few grammar ones, but I think theyre just petty typos, so no problem there.Chapter one P(aragraph)3 "Well that was legit." Youre not using the word correctly in this sentence since legit is another way of saying "legal," but thats not what youre saying. should be Well, I guess Ill be going to the garden. Or something like that. Just dont use "legit."2. P5 "I was borned..." should be I was born...3. P21 "DID. They. Just.Saw. That?!" should be Did they just see that?!4. P33 "Then girls started whispering,with some squeling." should be Then the girls started whispering, and some were squealing.Chapter two P7 "Are you some kind of Choi Minhos sister ?" should be "Are you and Choi Minho related?"2. P10 "I just even met him today." should be I just met him today.Chapter three P1 "...my favorite book for the Nth time." should be ...my favorite book for the ninth time." I actually have no idea what the number youre trying to say is, so I made a guess.Flow: 12/15 (Specific Advice) Its much too slow. You spend six chapters introducing each character, which should only take two chapters, seeing that you dont use a lot of details. You can use the remaining four chapters then to establish the main conflict and then next ones to show the minor conflicts to set your plot.At the same time, your plot is also fast. You change your scenes too quickly without even giving the readers a chance to see what your characters lives are like.Enjoyment: 1/5 The lack of a plot and the mary-sue characters really stood out.Structure: 2/5 First of all, never put "-_- or XD" in your story because those expressions. If you want to describe what your characters are thinking, then write "she facepalmed herself" or "she laughed wildly."Second, you write your story in a blog format which isnt really that good. A story describes the events, making the readers feel like they are in the story with the characters, not like they are reading an article the characters just published, but thats what Im feeling from your story. Dont write "Hello everyone! I am so and so!" because its like youre introducing your article, not like youre leading your readers into the story.Third, I noticed that after putting a comma down, you dont put a space afterwards. Its not "she ran,and he jumped." Its "she ran, and he jumped." You must put a space after a comma.Dont cross out words because like I said, this is a story, not a draft written on paper or a blog. Unless this is a crack story, dont write like that.I dont know if its my computer screwing up, but your font changes sometimes. One part is in Times New Roman (I think), and the next is in another font. Keep them the same.Your storys spacing keeps changing. One minute, you have one space between your paragraphs, then you have double space. Keep them even.Overall: 59/100 You worked with a cliché outline, so your work was already cut out for you in the first place. It was just up to you whether or not you can make it out of it and create a plot of your own, but unfortunately, you didnt. You didnt give me any plot development or characters with their OWN minds. It was like you were writing your characters with your personality inflicted in them. Your grammar and spelling were okay, but your charcters and plot were lacking greatly.  Special Ad:For TaEun fans out there,also read my unnies story :DTill The End of Time by leenaeun Linkeu: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/695392/till-the-end-of-time-apink-shinee-taemin-naeun-taeun-seunghomblaq   Authors Note: credits to TamJong for the layout :)