[M] Part 1 (1/1)

“Wanna split with me tonight?”Howon shook his head, smiling, “Not tonight. I have some stuff to take care of-“Jumping on his friend’s back, Sungyeol laughed, “You’re gone for every after party we have! How could you possibly make up for every serving of pork and glass of soju you’ve missed?!”How someone could be so excited about meat and alcohol was the real question. It wasn’t even a different type of alcohol or anything, it was the same thing every time. But they were never tired of it. Ever.And of course, all they ever talked about were the girls on stage, the girls that lingered around their waiting room, the girls that chose them as their ideal types, the list was endless. It was always the same but no one was every bothered by it.Why couldn’t they talk about their choreography. How they practiced for hours on end to perfect it to the final angle only to have Myungsoo lose his step in the last sequence. How Howon had constantly bugged Sungjong to keep from dancing too hard during his parts so that he could actually sing. How Dongwoo was supposed to finish up the choreography but couldn’t because he was out late with Sunggyu. How he was alone at the studio, struggling to finish the last steps only to get yelled at for being tired the next morning. How their choreography was getting predictable and old but nobody was saying anything about it. Why didn’t Sunggyu talk about how they needed to pick up the slack because hitting a few high notes and winning a few awards didn’t mean it was time to rest.

What happened to meeting for the sake of shining light on what was to come. On what they were working for.. Suddenly, they were becoming what they had promised never to become: satisfied.Howon looked over to the table cluttered with gifts from fans and opened lunch boxes that had been destroyed by the hungry members. With a smile, he walked over and hummed as he scanned the table. He had to dig through a couple boxes here and there until he felt the metal against his fingers.Grabbing the keys, Howon whistled, “I’ll go home first! There’s an essay due tomorrow for class and it’s important.”Sungjong laughed, “Wow, look at you! Finishing homework instead of drinking!”Myungsoo knuckled the boy’s head, “Why the hell aren’t you doing your work?”Glaring, Sungjong kicked Myungsoo’s shin, smiling as his hyung yelped in pain, “Cause I finished it,” and he turned, chin in the air, “dumbass.”Howon gave his managers a knowing nod and a grin.As he walked out of the waiting room and bowed to his seniors as they passed him, Howon heard footsteps behind him growing closer and closer until finally, he felt a sudden weight crash onto him.Just as he was about to apologize, he heard Woohyun laughing and Howon sighed, “I swear, it’s ‘break-Howon’s-back’ day..you’re my hyung. Aren’t you supposed to be acting like one so that I can respect you or something like that?”Woohyun jumped off and smiled as his eyes turned to crescent moons, “You do respect me!” and he made humming noises as he raised his hands to his head and waved back and forth. How in the world did his fans find that cute…Howon shuddered and Woohyun slapped his shoulder, “I came because Gyu told me you were turning in early. Again.”“I have an essay due-““Bullshit. You finished that essay the day it was assigned.”Howon froze. ‘How’d he kno-‘Woohyun glared, “You were writing it on the couch while I was watching tv.”----“Move Howon.”Laughing, Howon grabbed his laptop to keep from falling off his lap and stood up with little jumps. Woohyun kicked the boy’s butt and Howon toppled over with a thud. The laptop was safe in his other arm, but Howon had fallen in an uncomfortable position in order to save his precious essay.“Sorry..”“Hyung! If you broke this laptop I would’ve fried you in a pan with all your grease!”Woohyun went back to his seat on the couch as he raised the volume, “Calm down. What are you working on anyway..”Howon rubbed his eyes as he yawned, “Some essay for music analysis.”“Music Analysis?”Howon blinked. Then he mocked a kick as Woohyun laughed, “Composition classes are full but they said they’ll let me in within a few weeks. So until then, I’m stuck.”“How long are you gonna take on that?”Quickly moving his finger on the mousepad, Howon made sure to save and send the file before closing his laptop, “Done.”Woohyun smiled.----Kicking the younger boy, Woohyun sighed, “You think I’m stupid? I mean, yeah, I’m slow, but I’m not an idiot.”“Isn’t that the same thing?”Woohyun kicked him again.Howon whined, “Stop! I’m gonna be bruised and when I wear shorts, our fans are gonna think our managers beat us or something!”“No they won’t.”“I know but still!”Grabbing Howon’s shoulder, Woohyun stepped closer to him, “You’re not acting normal. You haven’t been for the last few months. What’s wrong with you?”Howon shoved Woohyun away with a smile, “Nothing. There’s nothing going on. So stop trying to make an issue out of nothing and go eat!” Woohyun glared, “and stop glaring at me!”Howon saw one of the managers running and smiled, “See? Hurry up. The faster you go, the faster you come back.”Woohyun’s eyes grew sad and Howon smiled. He watched as their manager grabbed Woohyun by the arm, scolding him for running off on his own. They bickered and Howon watched them until they turned the corner. Howon’s smile stuck and he finally dropped it as he stepped into the elevator, “I’m tired..” The drive back to their dorm was slow. But nice. He channeled the radio stations but nothing was on and settled for silence.When he got to the door, he found a small package, addressed to Myungsoo. Howon picked it up and sighed as he unlocked the door. It was always strange coming home to a quiet home, but at the same time it wasn’t. For the fact that he still thought the dogs would greet him when he came home, and for the fact that the house was always quiet when he was home.He stepped into the kitchen and placed the package onto the table. Then after a quick drink of water, he changed his clothes.Grabbing his phone from his jacket, he threw the jacket on his bed and he squatted into the corner of his room. The only messages he had missed were from his managers. Then he quickly checked the chat room and realized he had missed an entire discussion with Eunji and In Gook. The three of them had formed a strangely strong bond after running into each other countless of times and decided on making a chat room. Nonetheless, Eunji and In Gook were off eating dinner at his favorite place. Howon searched the chat and it was somehow clear to him that they were relieved by his absence.“I guess it wasn’t all acting afterall…”Howon smiled and placed his phone beside him. It appeared that everyone had someone at this time of night. The group was paired evenly because he was absent, In Gook and Eunji were flirting over a cozy meal, and his mom would be asleep by now, safe and sound by his dad.Feeling a chill from the open window, Howon shivered as he got up to close it. The moment he put his hand out to shut the glass door, he froze. It was so dark yet the scars glowed from the fainted light. He closed it gently, then walked up to the upper bunk and sat as he stared at his wrist. The cuts were a few days old. He stood and climbed down and walked to his room. Blindly searching for the familiar blade beneath his pillow, he frowned when all he felt was the cool fabric.Howon growled gently once he remembered that Sunggyu had found it. Then after scolding him for being careless, the older member had thrown it away.He stuck his hands into his pockets and went to the bathroom. Flicking the switch on, Howon hummed as he searched the cabinets.Sungjong was strangely feminine. Especially when it came to shaving. The boy never grew facial hair yet was adamant on buying spare blades. At first, Howon questioned the boy in secret, asking if he was okay. But Sungjong’s eyes widened and quickly responded; “Hyung no! I just need those around just in case my beard kicks in.”Shaking his head, Howon quickly took one of the spares and ripped the blade out of its package. Too lazy to go to the garbage can, he simply threw the package behind him, assuming that it would end up buried under some clothes.He was careless and the blade instantly cut his finger. Dropping the blade in surprise, Howon silently sucked his finger, wincing from the gentle sting. He threw the blade package in the garbage and sat in his bed, back against the wall. Just as he held it to his wrist, the bell rang and Howon’s eyes widened.“HOWON!”He jumped out of bed and walked to the door only to realize the sounds weren’t coming from the hallway. Shaking his head, Howon walked to the intercom and pressed the button to unlock the basement gate. ‘I need to get used to this thing..’Walking back to his bed, he grabbed the blade and quickly set it behind the leg of his bed. If Sunggyu found the blade in his bed again, he would have every right to be suspicious. Then the questioning and then…Jumping into bed, Howon threw the covers over his body and pretended to sleep. Dongwoo ran into the room and was about to jump on the boy before Sunggyu grabbed his hood and he fell back choking. Glaring at his hyung, Dongwoo was about to yell when Sunggyu whispered, “Howon’s tired. Let him rest.”Howon raised his brows, 'What...'Dongwoo sighed and looked at Howon’s unmoving body. Then he gave the boy a gentle pat on the head, “Goodnight Won.”Howon sighed and relaxed.Sunggyu smiled and followed Dongwoo out. But hen Howon thought they were gone, he heard Sunggyu whisper just loud enough for him to hear, “Dance studio in 4 hours.”Howon got up and was about to protest when he saw Sunggyu pocket something. Then the older boy gave him a long look and gave a weak smile, “Just take a quick nap. I’ll come get you when they’re asleep.”As the door closed, Howon sighed and fell back on his pillow. Playing with the edges of his blanket, he pondered the idea of Sunggyu giving up sleep to talk to him. Was it important? That important? He lowered his hand in search for his new one. Grabbing it from the bed leg, he sat up and readjusted himself with the pillow to cover his mouth. The blade was sharp, but Howon assumed the same pressure and cut deeper than he thought. His scream was muffled by the pillow and he broke into cold sweat when the chatter in the living room stopped.He heard someone getting up, “Let me check if he’s okay..”‘Sungjong?’“Leave him alone. I told you guys he needs to rest.”‘Sunggyu-hyung…’ What was going on…His eyes grew heavier and he decided he’d worry about it when the time came. But he felt the blood run down his wrist and to his pillow. Flipping it to the other side, Howon shuffled to the bathroom and ran his wrist under cold water. Hissing as the clean sink was tinted with a red-orange, Howon ripped the toilet paper and held it tightly against his wrist. Then holding it as he laid back down, he fell asleep.

It wasn’t long before Howon felt someone nudge him awake. Still groggy from sleep, Howon barely opened his eyes and made out a figure in the dark. He heard Sunggyu whispering for him to get up and the boy silently moved out of bed. Yawning, he felt Sunggyu grab his arms and place a jacket around his shoulders. He felt as though something was wrong but there was no time to think.Then grabbing the boy’s hand, Sunggyu walked to the door, being quiet as he tied Howon’s shoes.The walk to the studio was quiet and quick. Howon was still struggling to wake up whereas Sunggyu was full of distress. He slowly put his hands into his pocket, feeling the familiar plastic against his fingertips.As soon as they got to the studio, Sunggyu raced to their room and locked the door. Sitting Howon down in the middle of the room, he ran to turn on the lights and saw Howon flinch from the sudden brightness.Howon was fully awake now and rubbed his eyes to drive away the sleepiness, “What’s up?”Sunggyu sighed, “This,” and he grabbed Howon’s hand to expose the boy’s wrist under the bright light, then he pulled Howon and reached into the boy’s pocket to take out the razor blade, “and this…is what is 'up'.”Howon’s heart stopped.The tissue was gone. The blade was in his pocket.He was getting messier with cleaning up…The cuts were jagged. But a fresh cut covered the rest of the skin. Red blood glistening under the lights, still stinging from every movement that involved his wrist. His wrist was bloated in comparison to the rest of his arm and Howon couldn’t believe how he didn’t notice this before…how did Sunggyu know…“You never wear the bracelets or the watches after recordings. Then suddenly you want to shove every accessory possible on your left wrist…” Sunggyu’s fists clenched, “I can’t believe I didn’t notice this sooner…that day I found the razor blade…I should’ve known…”Howon couldn’t speak and only stared at his wrist. The only thing that caught his eyes was his new cut. So clean.Sunggyu scooted closer to him and held him tightly. Howon winced as his wrist brushed against Sunggyu’s shirt. Sunggyu sighed, “I just need to know you won’t do anything stupid. And I’m talking about the permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Howon chuckled to reassure Sunggyu, though something told him it might’ve been for himself, “Hyung-“Sunggyu ripped away from Howon, grabbing him by the shoulders, “I’m not fucking around. Howon, I need you to promise me that you won’t do this anymore!” Howon glared and ripped away from him, “And since when the fuck did you give a shit to what I did around here?!”Sunggyu froze from Howon’s sudden outburst and the younger boy smirked, “I respect you as a leader. So lead me through the recordings, lead me through the procedures for comeback stages, lead me through vocal lessons and lead me through our road to ‘stardom’,” he turned around and sighed, “but stay the fuck out of my personal life.”The older boy simply watched as Howon opened the door and run. Blade in his hand and the plastic case in the other, Sunggyu curled his body on the floor and cried.